Choices? A Different Way

I had a choice when pregnant with my third child. Visiting the doctor for my scheduled prenatal appointment, we learned that the heartbeat could not be found. We immediately scheduled an ultrasound for that day. During the procedure the technician would not give me the results. We returned to the doctor to learn the news. Devastation does not begin to describe how I felt when the doctor confirmed the baby had died. Numbness set in. The doctor spoke of removing the baby as soon as possible before infection set in. She gave me a choice. I could either be induced and give birth to the dead baby or fetus, or she could remove it piecemeal which required the use of abortion equipment. Giving birth the year before to my son, I had been induced. It had not gone well and those memories were seared on my mind as I contemplated my decision. I did not want to be induced.

We went ahead with aborting the dead baby. The nurses at Sacred Heart were judgmental as the abortion equipment was brought into their Catholic hospital. I went through the procedure completely numb. Later, I began hemorrhaging and even with all the blood clotting medications, the blood did not stop gushing. My husband brought me back to the hospital within hours. The doctor did not know what was wrong. I continued to hemorrhage. The doctor left for the day. She came back later that night, saying she knew what may be wrong. A stitch had fallen out. Back into the operating room without time for anesthesia, I floated above myself while the doctor repaired the stitches. The hemorrhaging stopped. I returned home and to work. My coworkers knew nothing of my pregnancy and therefore knew nothing of my miscarriage. I went through life a zombie.

I don’t remember just when the regrets started coming, but if I could go back and decide again, I would in a heartbeat choose to induce the birth of the baby. I would choose to hold my baby, kiss my baby good bye and know if my baby were Meaghan or Matthew instead of Baby M. I would have mourned my baby right then and gone through the process of grief. I would have a picture of my baby. For the rest of my life I will have nothing of my baby except my story.

Photo by Hu Chen on Unsplash

We have choices in life; whether laws allow us a choice or not. Some choices we celebrate; others return to us as regret. Life goes on. I have my faith and do know absolutely that my baby is with God, and hopefully, I will live a good enough life to be able to kiss him or her someday. I pray for my baby just as I pray for my other children. The baby is no less alive to me, but he or she is frozen in time, while my other children grow and mature. A baby dies – sometimes within the womb; sometimes without. The loss of a baby is a heartache the depths of which cannot be measured.

When does life begin? Some say life begins at conception when the sperm penetrates the egg. Prior to this moment there are two separate cells, sperm and egg. Once the sperm merges with the egg, a new cell is formed. Cell division begins immediately. Why are the two separate cells that contain the potential for life not considered valuable life, while the single cell merged from those two cells is?

Nation states put laws in writing to govern and protect its citizens. They also have a system in place to determine if citizens are following the laws and a penal code to mete out punishment for those that break them. To end another human’s life before his or her time is against the law.

Our concern has become the growing embryo inside the mother until it has reached a maturation level that allows it to survive outside the womb. When does a governing body have the right to decide what a woman does with the life within? This question has created a large debate between those calling themselves pro-life and those proclaimed pro-choice. I do not wish to wade into this heavy debate. Legislation based upon belief of one side over another side creates conflict, anger, and outrage. It creates civil disobedience and non-civil as well.

I merely ask both sides to ask a different question: Why does a woman choose to end the life within? For those calling themselves Pro-Life, I ask them to help create a culture where a woman would not dream of ending the life within, where every baby was wanted. This is not done by forcing a woman to carry a life to term that she does not want. Caring for a baby is an energy-driven job. The mother picks up such a large percentage of care for the baby without help and often without feeling valued.

What does this culture look like? All babies are provided for from birth until they leave the nest. There is no fear of lack. A parent has time with the child. Work is not a constant given in order to provide for the child. There is no judgment of when or how a baby was conceived. Any woman who chooses for whatever reason to end the life within is given loving support as she is a life, too, and all recognize that this choice is heartbreaking for her. We must answer the questions and be part of a solution rather than casting judgment.

Instead of polarizing, fighting and raging about pro-life or pro-choice, why not take all this energy being expended and together work to create a world where the circumstances are such that a woman would not want to have this choice; in fact, it would be inconceivable. A world where every baby was wanted, where every woman had no fear that she and her baby would lack the resources of living, a world where having a baby was placed above having material things, not only individually, but as a community, a world where the community raised every baby and no one was left behind in suffering. Finally, a world where no woman or man was forced and brutalized in the procreative act, as the act is seen as sacred. We are all one.

Reverence for the physical is a stepping stone in evolving the spiritual. In the Eternal perspective there is no life and no death, so what does it matter if we end the life of a fetus? It matters because of the impact it has on us to treat the gifts of life as less than sacred. If we choose to treat as un-sacred the sacred, it hurts us.

A pregnant woman must be treated as a goddess, bearing new life for the world, not as a pariah, bringing forth yet another mouth to feed. Women in their role of motherhood must be celebrated – the miracle of birth humbly rejoiced. Men and women produce a baby and both male and female are needed and valuable. It is a first step toward experiencing oneness and creation.