Painful Life Lesson

A friend and I took my Olde English Bulldogge, Mira, out for a walk along a river.  It was a cooler, overcast day, and there weren’t many other walkers out. We let Mira off leash to race about. She usually does zoomie circles around us. On one of her circles, she burst through weeds and slammed into my knee. As I went down, I felt my knee twist with excruciating pain. I sat for a bit. My friend helped me up, and I hobbled over a mile back to my car.

Mira

Over the next day or so, the knee swelled, and the pain did not decrease. The doctor said it looked like a sprain and suggested an MRI if there was no improvement in a week. She also said to continue icing, wrapping, taking anti-inflammatory medicines, and above all rest. Ugh. The resting has been difficult. I know this too shall pass, but I am missing my daily nature hikes, as well as jazz dance classes. I am tired of sitting. This too shall pass, but it will be a good four weeks.

As I sat I thought, “Is there a lesson I could learn from this experience?” My brother Ken had visited the week it happened. He is in constant knee and heel pain. I thought the pain I am in helps me to empathize better with his experience. Thank you for the increased empathy for my brother and others who struggle to walk because of pain.

The knee started improving, but slowly, so much slower than I hoped. This is teaching me patience, I thought. I cannot do anything but sit. Since I can’t do, then I may as well sit more in meditation and focus on being. Thank you for this experience that gave me more opportunity to sit and to be with The Eternal.

Mira slamming into my knee was painful and the pain was constant during the day and even more so when I tried to sleep. I didn’t blame Mira for my pain, even though she was the cause. She didn’t mean to hurt me, and she didn’t even realize she had. I thought back through my life. There were significant others in my life who had caused me excruciating pain. I believe they never meant to. I am guessing they acted from their own pain and fear. Throughout the years I have blamed them. Perhaps a lesson from the knee pain could be to let go of the blame. Forgiveness is not needed as there is nothing to forgive. I felt hurt, a hurt directly caused by them, but it was never their intention. They may have been as unconscious of inflicting pain on me as Mira is.

I, too, inflicted pain on those I so very much did not want to. I screamed at my kids, because I had been screamed at, and I had not learned another way to be. Perhaps I am not to blame for the pain I have unintentionally and unconsciously inflicted on others. I have held onto that guilt for so long. My life’s mission was to cause no harm to any of God’s creatures or creation. When I did, and when I did especially to those I loved the most like my children, I absorbed the guilt like a dry, thirsty Bounty paper towel. I absorbed it and then allowed it to soak in and to become who I am. “I am a bad person, a bad mother,” hummed in the background of my mind, even if unconsciously. Can my guilt gradually decrease just as my knee pain decreases each day that I rest? Can I let go of blaming, understanding that the majority of us never intend to cause another pain?

My knee pain will pass. In no time I will be back on the trails with Mira succored by nature in all its grandeur. Will I allow the experience to change me, or will I go back on the same paths? Only I can choose which path I tread next.