Sharing a Piece of the Journey

Whatever helps one open more and more to a spirit, love-enhanced, life-affirming being is embraced. Each of us walks a path. I share mine with the understanding it is not the only way.

In my forties ,I desired to live in this world at one with God. My studies doubled. (I had been studying religions and philosophies since my teens.) I read the Course in Miracles a couple of times, practicing the exercises. I read Carolyn Myss’ book, Entering the Castle, and met Saint Teresa of Avilla for the first time. I knew the Catholics believed in saints, but didn’t know much about them. I visited the library and books seemed to jump off the shelves into my hands. One was Saint Teresa’s book on prayer. Here at last! I found someone who described what I had experienced; only her ecstasies were much more profound. At last I found a role model, someone I could pattern myself after, someone I could follow.

I began to read about the lives of other saints and their writings: SaintThérèse of Lisieux, Saint Hildegard, Saint Francis and Saint Clare, Saint Ignatius Loyola and Saint Augustine among others. I found my way to Thomas Merton and his book, The Seven Storey Mountain. I read with interest his conversion story and the intensity he pursued a relationship with God. He stated his two most treasured books were the Bible and The Imitation of Christ. Immediately I acquired The Imitation of Christ and poured over its words. It was as if God Himself were speaking; it is a very humbling book and one that I still keep on my nightstand with my Bible. As much of the world, I was also very aware of the life and service of Mother Theresa and in great awe of her selfless service to those most in need.

Studying further, I read Eckhart Tolle’s, A New Earth several times and determined to apply the principles of living in the now without attachment to an ego in my own life. I absorbed thoughts from Eastern spirituality and read an Autobiography of a Yogi by Yoganada Paramahansa. His writings introduced me to several other saints and mystics, as well as his Self-Realization program that I subscribed to. I followed his program for close to a year. I also fell in love with Ananda Maya Ma, a twentieth-century Eastern mystic. I read everything I could find on her and which she herself had written. I poured over her words, attempting to assimilate them into my heart, soul, and practice.

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I prayed and prayed. I longed for community. I felt alone in my studies and search. I felt unworthy yet greatly loved by God. In my new job, I spent hours in my vehicle driving from job site to job site. Music quickly grew old and I turned to talk radio. One day I tuned in to EWTN, Baraga Radio and listened to the Catholic station. From that day on I was hooked. I did not imagine myself to be Catholic. I believed it too rigid a system similar to what I had left behind in Mormonism. After studies of several religions, my heart chose to follow Jesus. I knew Christianity was where I wanted to be. I just wasn’t sure Catholicism was, too.

There were many Catholics in my life over the years, most of them non-practicing. My stepmother of 30 years was Catholic. Her first husband tortured and abused her and she had difficulty leaving and divorcing him because of being married in the Catholic Church. She was finally able to receive an annulment. My college roommate was Catholic. I attended church with her. She could never go to my LDS church and in my ignorance I felt this was close-minded. She eventually left the church. My ex-husband’s mother was raised Catholic. She came from a very abusive family and left the church. My ex-husband thought of it as a cult. My aunt (the same one who had visited the Mormon Church with me in my youth) joined the Catholic Church later in life because her romantic partner was coming to the end of his life and she wished to help him receive last rites.

I listened to the radio and gradually everything that I disagreed with initially came to be seen in a new light. I remembered walking into St. Anne’s Catholic Church on Mackinac Island and being bowled over by spirit, completely overwhelmed. I also remembered the woman’s face shining with spirit in Westminster Abbey. It was like everything in my life was leading me to this place.

The Presbyterian Church held a workshop on centering prayer. It had been introduced by the Catholic Church. It also held a Taizé service, again first practiced by the Catholic Church. Daily mass was available at the Catholic Church, as well as the Liturgy of the Hours. I wanted a religion that brought practices into daily life since I was a teenager and now was finding one that not only offered daily services, but also prayers throughout the day!

Through Catholic radio, I was introduced to Dorothy Day and delved into her book, The Long Loneliness. What a modern day role model! She founded the Catholic Worker movement. I appreciated both her and the Catholic Church’s commitment to the poor. Are there abuses and misuses in the Catholic Church? Yes, because it is made up of humans. No matter if we are a priest, a nun, a monk, a bishop, or a lay parishioner we each have our personal struggles, temptations, and "sins".

For the first time in my life I was able to place a relationship with God before a relationship with a man. I attempted to carve out time for God in my daily schedule, making God a priority over my work and daily activities as well. This was very difficult and continues to be a struggle.

I felt compelled to attend a mass and felt a billowing, like a strong wind, pull me through the doors. Then my aunt gifted me with a rosary for my 52nd birthday. She had it blessed by the priest. We met with him after the blessing and I told him of my interest in the church. He said he would contact me when the next RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) classes started up. I did not hear from him and so felt like maybe this was not my path at this point. I continued to pray, read the saints, and added a rosary to each morning, attempting to develop a relationship with Mary, the Holy Mother of All. The Catholic Church has not lost a place for the Divine Feminine in worship. This, too, was something I desired. During this year I read the current Catechism of the Catholic Church and was completely impressed by the richness of tradition and spiritual resources.

A year past and I had heard nothing. I felt awkward attending mass. I didn’t know the rituals or words to say and I could not partake of the Eucharist, a main purpose of attending mass. So, I stopped going to mass, but was ever more interested. The following September, I reached out to the church through email and made contact and was invited to attend RCIA classes.

While attending the six month class, I questioned if I was doing the right thing. It would be so much easier just to return to the Presbyterian Church. Maybe what I was seeking could not be found, but I have to trust in God and this is where He was leading me. I worried that I would fall away just as I had the LDS Church. I did not want another religious "failure".

At one point I went into blackness, a bleak desert of despair and hopelessness. I remembered the words of St. Francis de Sales and continued to pray, continued my studies and the path I was on, even in the dearth of any type of consolation. I asked God to be with me and to help me. It was truly a battle that my angels led me through, and I am continually grateful for their support, love, and guiding voices.

The period of blackness passed. God came into my soul and comforted me with His Love. I am far from worthy of the gifts and blessings He continues to bestow on me, but am determined to follow the path.

My daughter mentioned that the Catholic Church was just a large cult. Just her saying that had me questioning again what I was doing. I had to delve into the diary of St. Faustina for comfort. I started attending mass, even when feeling awkward and clumsy with the motions and words. I continued to attend RCIA, not always making it a priority, as work and family often had my full attention. I continued to question if this was the right place for me. Kneeling in prayer, I would ask a question and the prayer would be answered at mass. God blesses us with miracles throughout our days if only we would open our eyes, ears, and hearts.

It was a struggle, but God answered each question and helped me battle through each struggle. I could not do it, or anything, without our Creator's support. I would not be alive or continue to draw breath without Divine mercy and love.

The day I was to be baptized I wanted to phone the church and call it all off. I wasn’t sure that this was the right spiritual community to join. Temptations assaulted me, thoughts of past loves. I prayed and prayed for guidance and for help overcoming my temptations and confusions. I am a weak soul, easily swayed by impulses. God held my hand through it all and brought me into the fold at Easter Vigil. This baptism marked a beginning of a rich, new journey.

We need to belong to community whether a family, a neighborhood, club or work group; a place of spiritual connection to others. A church community offers numerous and rich opportunities to come together in prayer and worship, over a meal or work project. Churches also offer various opportunities for service to others within and without the fold.